Dr. Stephanie Mihalas, Licensed and Board-Certified Psychologist, Nationally Certified School Psychologist, and Founder at The Center for Well Being, discusses how to identify red flags and take action regarding conflict between your student and their instructor.
How can you effectively handle student-teacher conflict? Conflict is part of any learning process, but when conflict between teacher and student can’t be resolved, the next steps can make or break that relationship.
A broken relationship means a less-than-ideal learning environment for the student, so it’s a top priority to know how to sidestep the potentially disastrous situation.
Dr. Stephanie Mihalas joins the podcast to talk about the rare serendipity when a teacher’s pedagogy and a student’s classroom management preference perfectly align, how to navigate situations where they don’t, and when you should take actions on red flags regarding conflict between your student and their instructor.
The Importance of Student-Teacher Relationships
One good teacher can leave a lasting impression that students carry with them for years after school and into their careers. But what is it, exactly, about a good teacher that makes them so memorable?
They’re the kind of teachers that have students excited in the morning about what the day will bring — whether it be a lesson plan or an exciting surprise. They have an intrinsic motivation to help their students learn.
But what happens when that student-teacher relationship struggles?
Identifying Your Student’s Struggle
What if your student comes home from school one day and says their teacher hates them? There are a few things that could be happening, Stephanie says.
- Projection: Sometimes, the student might hate the teacher; not the other way around.
- Energy mismatch: The energy of the teacher and student isn’t flowing as well as with teachers past. For example, if your student’s new teacher doesn’t praise them like a previous teacher did, that difference in behavior can feel personal.
- It’s the truth: The teacher might really be a bully.
Especially in the third scenario, it’s important for parents to intervene in the right way. We don’t want our students to feel they can’t go to school or they can’t learn.
How to Know When Intervention Is Necessary
You want to protect your student, but it’s important to make sure that a situation calls for your intervention before acting. You first want to make sure that it’s not projection or an energy mismatch. Otherwise, you could disrupt the relationship that’s in the process of being built between student and teacher.
Stephanie shares steps to help figure out what’s going on:
Step #1: Set a Growth Mindset
Even though a teacher might be trying their best to reach every student, their teaching style will never match the needs of every single student. Take the time to remind your student that every classroom, year, and teacher is different; and that’s okay. It’s about staying flexible and having a growth mindset, similar to what they’ll have to do in life. They can still succeed even when a situation isn’t perfect.
Step #2: Watch for Red Flags in the Form of Red Marks
If your student is coming home with consistently marked-up papers, there’s a good chance something is wrong. Particularly in elementary years, teacher feedback should be balanced and constructive instead of constant red marks.
Additionally, if teacher notes are sent home daily or weekly, when your student was completely fine in years before can also be a red flag. Anything that shows a drastic change from the previous year can demonstrate a student-teacher conflict.
Step #3: Watch Out for Crying or Stress
If your student is saying they hate their teacher, it may be nothing more than mismatched energy; but if they’re crying, that’s different. Crying regularly is a clear sign of student-teacher conflict. Watch out for your student saying they don't want to go to school, or if they start having sleeping issues.
If not addressed, this can lead to student anxiety, GI issues, and depression in your student. If you see any of this, you know they’re having a serious issue you need to intervene on.
“This is where, as parents, we need to step in," Stephanie says. "We do not want our kids to feel as though they can't go to school or can't learn because their teacher is picking on them.”
Escalating the Intervention
So you’ve taken the necessary steps to make sure your student’s situation isn’t just a case of mismatched energy. It’s a real situation where your student is in danger. What happens now?
You may think the best thing to do is to go directly to the administrator to address these problems, especially in such a personal situation, Stephanie says. But when your student’s well-being is at stake, speaking with the administrator first might waste precious time.
“It's important to try to address it with the teacher first rather than going above the teacher to the administrator,” Stephanie says. “Because administrators will typically say to you, ‘Have you talked to the teacher?’”
Only after you’ve created a paper trail to show you’ve done all you can to address the problem with the teacher should you reach out to an administrator.
Taking a More Proactive Approach
If you have the availability to be more proactive about your concern, there’s more that can be done than issue a complaint with the teacher. One of the easiest ways is to volunteer in the classroom. You can get your eyes and ears on the situation to assess exactly where the problem is.
Or if time doesn’t allow you that much flexibility, you can speak with other parents about their experience with the teacher to make sure your student’s perspective isn’t skewed. It’s important not to confuse this with gossip, though. Make sure you’re getting concrete, constructive feedback.
Being Your Student’s Best Advocate
We want our students to thrive in the classroom. While it’s easy to become upset when your student comes home crying or saying they hate their teacher, it’s important to approach the situation in the right way to avoid any further disruption.
Recognize whether the problem is a skewed perspective of the student or an overly critical teacher, take the appropriate paths to confront the problem, and take a hands-on approach where possible to be the best advocate for your student as you can be.
Guest Links
Find out more about Dr. Stephanie Mihalas at The Center for Well Being.
Recommended Resources
Check out these additional resources, from Dr. Stephanie Mihalas.
- The Moderating Effect of Teacher Support on Depression and Relational Victimization in Minority Middle School Students
- Cultivating Caring Relationships Between Teachers and Secondary Students With Emotional and Behavioral Disorders: Implications for Research and Practice
- 8 Quick Relationship Building Activities for the Classroom
- Relationship Building Activities for Back to School
- The Importance of Strong Relationships
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